i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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