I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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