Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize