Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
