Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
