My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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