Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Randomize
