I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
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