and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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