So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
