I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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