I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Randomize
