3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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