just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Randomize
