Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
