i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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