i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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