"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
NoShamevember. You game?
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
