so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
