I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
