Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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