4 words: hood of his car
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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