I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
