dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
