i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
