I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
