Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
