i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
how drunk are you?
Several
Randomize
