She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
