...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Randomize
