The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
too bad you live with your parents still
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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