my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
