i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
