I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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