This girl is more easily done than said...
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
