We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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