just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
