I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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