why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Randomize
