the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
