i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Randomize
