It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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