Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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