out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize