I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
They should really pass out barf bags in church
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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