puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize