Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
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