I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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