I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
