TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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