The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Randomize
