bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
