Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
