Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
