I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
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