I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
