I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I just gargled with NyQuil
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
