How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
someone get that fucking seahorse.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
