Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
im holly from the hills drunk
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
