she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Randomize
