Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
