I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Randomize
