Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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